Mental Health Diary Entry #2

June 4, 2024. 5pm

journaling | polyamory | marriage | struggle | life | love

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June 4, 2024, 5pm

I’ve only cried twice today. That’s an improvement. My marriage is crumbling, and I am very sad. Sway and I fight, a lot. I feel that my points are never valid, so I just give up. But to be fair, I do that with everyone. Maybe I love too hard for polyamory. Or maybe not enough. I stay confused lately.

I found Zade in November and latched on hard. She was everything I was missing at home except sex. For the first time in a very long time, I felt needed. And wanted. It was nice. Too nice.

I am sad. Not as bad as yesterday when I was hysterical, or maybe that was the day before. They all run together.

I don’t want to give up on Sway, and on us, but it’s just so hard. It’s not supposed to be this hard.

I figured out why I latched on so hard to Zade, I think, aside from her making me feel so loved, when Sway did not. Sway just doesn’t have a big heart, and that’s okay, more than okay. But she gave her body to someone else and left nothing for me. I cried when I told her that, and then wrote this entry. I hate myself still. That hasn’t changed.